Ever so quietly.

So you slipped back in, quiet like a mouse, to the Bay Area tonight.

Food for thought: a girl told you this weekend that you're "like, a nerd, cause' you know about stuff but...trapped in a good-lookin' dudes' body."

Is that a compliment?

That's it. It's decided.

I don't want to live here anymore.

In the wind...

You feel spontaneous, so you're going to Hawaii. Tomorrow.

Brilliant!!

In other news you just finished watching Primer and you really must remember to relax your brainus sweetheart, you're still sore from the thorough headfucking you just received.

Fucking predestination paradoxes.

You'll see them in a few.

Love,

dp

Yesss...just like that...oooh just a little slower now...

You just realized something. There are no mirrors up in your house right now.

It occurs to you that this might almost could possibly be a bizarre outcry for help. Because this does truly seem to be some sort of perverse exercise in self-flagellation.

Dont fret, we like the way you look precious. Honestly...we think you're handsome.

It's all love baby.

[4/26 Update:] There are now WAY too many mirrors up. Who needs two seperate full-lengths back to back in the same hallway!?

Update: Who Are You?

So Tila never responded.

*click* *click*

Deleted! You're not my friend anymore!!

For some odd and depraved reason you find that satisfyingly humorous.

What does that even mean?

Wait. What?

So you come home tonight from what proved to be a most amazing night to...

...No Opportunity Wasted by Phil Keoghan. (Yes, the Amazing Race guy.) Waiting on your desk for you.

Thanks Dad.

"And what does that feel like precious?" they might ask.

Well, you imagine it feels exactly like what getting stepped directly on by god would feel like. It also feels like someone ripped out your throat and replaced it with a throat that doesn't work quite right.

You feel adjusted.

So SO money

So you spoke to your mom about 2 hours ago via cell phone. She's in Hawaii visiting your family presently. All is well, she's doing awesome, your cousins and aunt are doing great and everyone seems pretty tipsy and pretty happy.

You told her about your intention to go to Mexico and cause trouble and she had but one piece of advice. And it is only this one piece would you have paid for. Via phone she says:

"Just beware the water and the women..."

A pregnant pause occurs...

"'Cause they both have disease." She says.

That is so fucking money you can hardly contain yourself.

We love you mom!

Who are you?

What follows is an email you sent to "Tila" who sent you a "friend" request through myspace completely unsolicited.

None of the names have been changed in the spirit of protection. And sure as shit ain't no one innocent here. Otherwise, you would direct them to enjoy:

Hi Tila,

I added you as a "friend" because, well, it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm smashed. In other words, rational thought has been abandoned in lieu of reckless ambition and I'm pretty much down for anything right now.

That being said, who are you? You're 20 and female apparently, however that's not saying much and judging by the picture included in your profile you're pretty--which is good. But that still doesn't tell me anything...

...So who are you exactly?

For my own sanity you have until the end of this week, April 14th, to answer otherwise I'm removing you as a "friend." Because, well, that doesn't really mean anything in the "online" context anyway.

Kisses,

-- d5ki

---

You know, if she responds you'll be in trouble right? You were acting mischievous and didn't really...intend for...eh, whatever you're sure she'll understand.

An Open Letter to the Hydrologic Cycle

Dearest Hydrologic Cycle,

We can fully understand and relate to the regular visits to the Bay Area. We like it too and we think its a nice place. However we are finding that more and more frequently the nature of your visits and their duration is a bit unwelcome considering that they are wholly unannounced and, to be perfectly honest, longer than they should be.

Now let us be clear. This is not to say that we don't understand the need for evaporation; and sublimation, condensation and advection. We like clouds. We like the funny shapes they make and we like laying in grassy fields with those special people on a sunny spring day and naming all of the things we see. Of course we can't these days, not with all of the attention we have been giving to you; but she'll understand.

It's just...it's just...the precipitation. Why all the precipitation? And why so much here precious? We truly love you. We do. And all of the work you do for us. We know it's a lot and we fully appreciate that without you we wouldn't be able to sustain life. But c'mon, this isn't Seattle for fuck's sake.

We're just exasperated that's all. And there is only so much we can take. You're really nice. And you smell good. And you can be funny sometimes. But really--we love you but we're not in love with you.

And we just think that...well...you know...all good things must come to an end. We've had a good run. We truly have. But it really is time for us to start seeing other people. It's for the best. You'll thank us. And months from now, when enough time has passed, and we see each other again we'll look back on this and laugh.

Really we will.

It's not you. It's us.

With love,

dp and his robotic ninja monkey army

PS. We are watching you. You are not safe here.